Hello Ladies and Gems.

As of this minute I'm sipping a Carlsberg and browsing the web and seeing a couple of my friends' blogs. I haven't done this is a while I must say!!

I am also doubly at leisure today because I had a presentation in my Unit yesterday and, as all presentations go, was conceptualized and executed in the wee hours of the morning and I had barely slept. The presentation had gone on a bit better than expected and so I was more relieved than happy when it was over 'cos I really wanted to sleep after that!

What made the experience more palatable for me was that one of the faculty members, whom I have a lot of respect for, told me that I had done a good job with the presentation and basically a well done comment was made. I was quite happy actually, and that comment sort of made the day for me.

Please bear with me here. This is not an ego trip I assure you!!

The need for validation by outsiders is a phenomenon that I have been quite fascinated by. In an ideal world, one should generally be secure in one's own identity and have a sense of worth that is independent of praise of criticism.

In reality, it often doesn't work out like that. Self-actualization is a process which, according to my understanding, is where one is finally comfortable in one's own skin. Knowing your strengths and more importantly, limitations. And also knowing there are somethings your limitations will prevent you from obtaining. I have come across a few in my time here in NIMHANS and I have noticed that they are often so calm and composed and seldom go all "I am going to screw the residents today"

I guess this process takes time. You need to experience a lot to know who and what you are, what are the things you can do and what you can't do. And coming to peace with that, not allowing outside static to change your point of view or your disposition,at the same time being a man of action and not caring about the reasult, is what I would term self actualization. I find it to be a Buddhist way of being.

Mind you, Hitler had a lot of the characteristics I mentioned above!! This applies to men of peace, not war!

A Million Little Pieces

I am in the process of reading "A million little pieces" by James Frey the second time around. This book, this wonderful work of art, is about the author's struggle as a drug addict and his struggle in a rehab center and how he befriends the other recovering inmates of the center and their individual stories (to a much smaller extent)

The author was criticized by the keeper of our collective world conscience,Oprah Winfrey in 2006 (not sure about the year), when it was revealed that he had manipulated certain elements of his true life story into something more dramatic and readable. As a person who has worked in De-addiction Psychiatry, let me be the first to tell you that the lives of these people are anything but readable. They are powerless over a crippling addiction, their families despise them for who they've become, and they are alienated by society in general. And they are angry at the world for looking at them with unsympathetic eyes. Yes, it is also true that they lie, they cheat others and they steal in the process of them becoming dependent on the substance they very often wish they could do without.

While Frey may well have manipulated certain aspects of the book, the book is in itself a haunting portrayal of one man's reluctance to seek help, his anger and defiance while in rehab, and his coming to terms with his own problem. And it should be read by anyone who is interested in addiction, or who has a substance use problem, or thinks they might have a substance use problem. In short, it is a masterpiece.

The author has publicly gone on to say that he thinks addiction is not a medical illness and that the element of free will involved in the process of becoming dependent is not present in most of the other medical disorders in current literature.

While I do agree that the environment plays a key role in any illness, let's look at this from a different angle. Is it possible to choose that you keep on drinking daily and consistently until you wake up every morning with trembling hands? Is it not possible to make a conscious decision to stop when you feel that things are going out of control?

I feel that it takes something far more than personal choice in order to make a person want to drink repeatedly and repeatedly. It might be easy for us to say that it is an illness caused due to a lack of will power. Aside from James Frey, I have not come across a person who has overcome the illness who feels that it was something of their own making. The responsibility to seek help for their illness is their own, but whether or not they choose became a habitual, problematic drinker or not is something I am not truly convinced about.

Personally, it was very hard for me to identify with many things that these people were going through, until I realized that there may be something more than a lack of pure will power involved here. The external manifestations, or phenotype as it is called in genetic language, is such that these people often have a history of cheating, stealing, lying to everyone-including the treating team, that makes it very difficult for a clinician to feel sympathy for them. However, once things are seen from a biological perspective, I think our outlook on these people will change.

Alcohol Dependence is the classical bio-psycho-social disorder, meaning that the person's biological constitution, environment and social milieu are all to blame for the illness. I think it's time we spent more effort in hoping to unravel the biological mechanism behind this illness while promoting social therapies like self help groups as a cornerstone for the treatment, or maintenance of this illness.

I'm not talking about God.

There are some people who, no matter how much to try to ignore it, make a dent in your life. They will stay in your memory long after they are gone. They will stay with you in your dreams and nightmares and your day dreams and fantasies and no matter how much you want to, you are unable to erase the trace of their memory from your brain.

These are the people whose attention you will try to grab for years and years after they have ceased to interact with you. You will somehow hope, against hope, that they will resurface, in the wake of who you have become since they last saw you.You will hope, with a lot of futility, that they will realize the mistakes that they had made in choosing to ignore the kind of person you were and you hope with all earnestness that they will take note of the kind of person you have become.

In the wildest dreams that you have ever had, this person was the center. In your most darkest moments, this person was your salvation. In your most cherished memories, this person was the one you would have liked to celebrate with.

And no matter how hard your rational, scientific mind will tell you to end this sort of fantasy world that you have created for yourself with this person, you will not. You will not forget them. But may get over them, but you will not forget them.

And so, we are left with nothing but memories, and hope and a lot of romanticism that the skeptics will tell you you'd be well to do without. Unfortunately, the human mind is not one that is built with this sort of rational thought.

Hopefully, in the end, with the passage of time and achievement (and your cortex shrinking to about half it's size by the time you're 70), you might end up not thinking so often of this person I am referring to. You will only think of it as a passing infatuation of your youth and that you are more wiser now, more adept at handling newer challenges and more practical about chasing your dreams.

But a dent has been made, nonetheless. And it will remain. If, and when it heals is anybody's guess.

There is a dog near my house that is tied inside a small shed for the past 4 years.It's owner, who genetically passes for a human, does not take it out for a walk and leaves it there 24 hours a day. When he is out of town, he ties its collar to the railing of the shed and the dog is unable to move.The impotent reply of all animal rights agencies, when contacted is "We're very far off and can't come". Sad but true.The truth of the matter is that the honchos/chairpersons of these so-called animal rights groups are more interested in maintaining the image of caring for these animals than actually doing something about it. That way, their wallets will never be thin and their face turns up on page 3 of any newspaper desperate enough to take their picture.

I am a great believer of individual choice, and trust me I try hard to make sure that I live by it. But there is also such a thing as treating an animal in a humane manner. If the animal is not rabid, and not out to hurt you, and is docile, then there is no fucking way that you are allowed to tie it to a shed for 4 years and think you can get away with it. I would like to confront this low life of a mutherfucker who is the owner of the dog and tie HIM to a shed with only a bowl of water as sustenance. Let his cries and howls go unheard,let people go by and not do anything as he is forced to defecate and urinate in the same fucking shed day in and day out, and then let's see how many people will run to his rescue( and probably kill me in the bargain). Why? Because he is human, and the dog is not.

Such stories are proof enough that humanity is really not the best species to rule over the world. If we are unable to co-exist with our fellow species, fearing them every step of the way and making sure that they don't get ahead of us, then we very well deserve to be wiped out the face of this planet. And believe you me, that day is fast approaching.

I agree to the fact that there are rabid dogs out there, and they need to be put down. But you DO NOT have the right to chain a dog day in and day out just because you are it's master and you are in a position to feed it every day. It just is not like that. If such were the case, Hitler would still be the emperor of the world today.

Such evil needs to be met with swiftly, strongly, without concern for the rights of the offender. There comes a time when we can no longer leave such matters in the hands of corrupt officials or megalomaniac chairpersons of agencies.

Even if you do not like animals, I beg you to read this. We are humans first, and masters second.

This one entry may be a bit personal; nonetheless I would like to share it with you folk out there. I had taken a much needed day off from work yesterday and had gone to visit my sister who stays on the outskirts of the city. She stays in an apartment complex far from the maddening horns and sounds of autos and buses and whatnot. There was a wonderful view of the mountains from the 6th floor, where she lives, and I could see a huge piece of uncultivated land from where I was sitting in the balcony.The place was absolutely serene.

I figured that this is as good a place as any to maybe sit back for a bit and do some much needed introspection.Of late it would seem that the days have gone by so fast, and this has been particularly true since I have joined residency, that there have been times when 9 months have elapsed without my even noticing it!

As fate would have it, I had brought a novel with me to read and pretty soon I told myself that I would spend some alone time later, once I was done with the novel. Night turned into day turned into afternoon and lo! behold it was 5 pm in the evening and I had to get back to the city,and most of the time while I was there I was reading the book. I did manage to read a good novel, but I didn't do what I had set out to do, which was take stock of things such as they are in my life and see how I could improve (trust me, I have ten things I can state at random that I need to work on).

Silently cursing myself as I was heading back to the hospital, I realized that these moments don't need to happen at a particular time, or place, or under a particular set of circumstances. It can happen right here, right now. And you're only fooling yourself if you wait for a particular event, or place or person to come across you and say "It's time, my friend." I know I have.

I just saw Avatar.Kindly ignore what I said about Avatar having alternative worlds, time travel etc. What it is about is a wonderland, like how earth once might have been, but a world who's existence is threatened by humans who seek to secure wealth at the expense of a civilization, and who will leave no stone unturned to seek what they desire, which is eerily similar to our reality.

It's also a movie that opens our eyes to a world so rich and vivid and teeming with life that our planet seems to be fucking dull when you leave the theater and for that, for freeing our minds for 2.5 hours and allowing us to bask in the splendor of James Cameron's creation, it should win Best Picture and Director Academy Awards hands down.

A must see.

I'm BACK!!

In the 10 months that I have not made an entry into my cyber diary, I have been a silent spectator to many ominous goings on, the most important of which is that Bangalore is now only a quarter as cold as what it was even 2 years ago. In the background of the Copenhagen Summit,this raises a crucial issue of our individual responsibility in averting an impending disaster. But the time frame between application of effort and its bearing fruit is all-important. I only hope it does not become a "too little too late" sort of scenario. And did anybody notice how the onset of the Copenhagen talks was after a similar scenario was enacted in the movie 2012?!!

Apart from which India will probably have as many states as the USA in about 10 years time, given the histrionic demands of certain people in high places, and the ease with which the powers that be appease childish, juvenile requests that are self serving and have nothing to do with the welfare of the people. Who's placing a bet for 52 states by 2019??!!

And hey, I want World Peace too. Gimme that Goddamn Nobel Peace Prize!!

As my experience in the study of human behavior increases, I have realized that, and I may be going a bit tangential here, that as far as the mind is concerned, the concept of religion becomes null and void. It is only the sense of comfort that it gives you. The same can be applied if, say you're in trouble, such as a financial debt, and you turn to another person for help, then in that moment, the person who helps ease your stress becomes possibly the most important person in your life. The same applies to the concept of a religion, and as an extension, God, giving you the sense of comfort. What if the same God exists without any prejudice? The concept of one God who embraces all, and who does not punish you for being bad, and one who is just there for you?

Most of the religious texts in the world (although I am in no way an authority on this), I guess, basically preach the same concepts- of truth, integrity, levelheadedness, courage to face obstacles, and a life of moderation and charity. What difference does it make if it is preached by different people?

I have also noted that television shows, no matter how brilliantly conceptualized and executed, tend to wind up being slightly more realistic soap operas in the end, which is a shame because such effort need not end up as a fiasco every single time. There are, however, some shows that have stood the test of time. The Simpsons, for one. But after that, options are hard to find.

There are also some characteristic lines that are uttered in most shows. Some of which include:
"I will do anything to protect my family"

"I didn't want you to get hurt"

"It's complicated"

"Maybe she's scared 'cos she's so vulnerable"

"I thought we had a deal"

"I did it to protect my family"

"I never imagined waking up in bed next to you"

"Can't we pretend that last night never happened?"

"It was a mistake. I was lonely and vulnerable and..."

And so on and so forth.

I am going to see Avatar today and I absolutely can not wait. I am, as you well know, fascinated by the concept of life on other planets, time travel, in addition to relationships, alternative realities, comic books and the working of the human mind. Avatar seems to be a good mix of most of the above components. Sam Worthington had greatly impressed me with his amazing performance in Terminator: Salvation and it's interesting to see how he will fare in this film.

Apart from T4,other movies of note this year were Inglorious Basterds, Wake up Sid, Star Trek(amazing!!), Watchmen, and Up, to name a few.

That's it for now I guess. Take Care and be Responsible.