Why is it that we can’t stop living in the past? Why are we drawn to it like moths to a flame? I mean, the present moment to us, is challenging, and difficult, and for the life of us we wish we weren’t in the situation to begin with. But as we look back at those times, we feel a sense of peace, of regret, of lessons learned that we didn’t in the past, when we were cursing it and wishing to God these times would end, and soon at that.
The sense of kinsman ship, if I could call it that, might perhaps be a defense mechanism, to keep us from making any real effort towards solving the present predicament that we are in at this time. I don’t know, really. To the psychoanalyst the past is always a goldmine to dig deep in, and it does have its rewards, as long as we learn from it, and not let it control us to the extent that we cannot work efficiently in the present, and as long as it doesn’t give us our own personal balloon to float in before reality succeeds in bursting it.
Those who have done it, have succeeded in a way few others have. And it is difficult. But the point is that it can be done. At least I hope so, with all my heart. Because we all tend to have these mental cushions of the past that we turn to when we are troubled by the present. But it is only to learn from, and not live from. Because we are not our past. And we can change thinking like that but it’ll take a helluva lot of effort for us to live in the here and now. Hell, if I were living in the here and now I wouldn’t have to type this cathartic entry!! But that’s the way it is.
There may be aspects of us that we lost in the past that we need now. For example, being more patient, more giving, and more compassionate, the intensity of which tends to erode with time, leaving us self absorbed and drained. And there are definitely parts of us that we are glad that we changed. One of which I’m sure many would relate to : being a pushover. A doormat.
How may countries tend to live in the past, following the same policies that have been perpetrated for centuries, but which they continue to execute, just because it’s what has been done before?
Change is often difficult, and almost always a life long struggle. Why do it, if it takes so long? Because there is nothing else, and because there is no other way!!
Couple of other things I would like to say:
1) You know you’re a doctor when people tell you that you’re responsible for working 6.5 days a week, with almost no respite in between.
2) You know you’re a doctor when your most vivid fantasies involve a pager and a cricket bat, with violent contact between the aforementioned objects.
3) You know you’re a doctor when you have this sudden panic attack ‘cos you fear that you may have a personality disorder, a prolapsed intervertebral disc, and amoebiasis in the time frame of 4 hours, with or without chronic bronchitis.
4) You know you’re a doctor when people ask you everytime they meet you what exactly it is that you’re doing.
5) You know you’re a doctor when people ask you out of a sense of bewilderment and more commonly sadism how many more years it is that you’re going to be studying. An apt response in most of the recipient’s mind in such situations is : “Just wait till the day it burns while you pee, mutherfucker, and we’ll see if my diagnosing a Chlamydia infection then is reason enough why I trained so fucking hard!”
6) You know you’re a doctor when your old schoolmates talk about the stock market and you’re trying to recall the latest research findings of your thesis.
7) You know you’re a doctor when you can say “And I thought it was lung cancer after seeing the x ray but it turned out to be an artifact!!” and laugh till you get tears in your eyes and the non medicos are wondering how pathetic you have actually become.
8) Also, with special regard to my particular field of expertise, you know you’re a psychiatrist when people ask you, in all innocence, whether it is actually as demanding as how you make it out to be.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
The Dark Knight
Hi, and how are you doing? I suppose I can always blame work for not being able to blog more often, but as always, the real truth is somewhere between the long hours and my personal lack of initiative to sit down and put thought on to the internet.
I have seen The Dark Knight, and I feel that the movie was amazing, awesome, hu-aah, and all other superlatives that I can't think of at the moment. It looks, in theory to be a one man show, with the late Mr.Ledger blowing us all away with a performance that should earn him a posthumous Oscar award, not nomination, for playing an iconic villain in a way that nobody ever thought he could, or would do. But it was a team effort. From the Nolan brothers to Wally Pfeister's cinematography to Hans Zimmer and James Newton-Howard's epic score to just as intense performances by Christian Bale, Aaron Eckhart, and Gary Oldman.The latter two deserve special mention for playing their roles to absolute perfection. I was a bit touch and go when I heard that Eckhart was slated to play Harvey Dent, and I am damn glad that he has proven me wrong one hundred percent. Oldman is also amazing as Jim Gordon, and he is pivotal in making the last scene of the movie so unbelievably intense, at the culmination of which you sayto yourself :"Whoa,Phew,I can't think of anything to say!!"
I have seen it thrice and am planning to go again a fourth time. Because although the script has it's flaws, this is one movie that somehow manages to blend in 2 genres to near perfection. And for that itself, Nolan should pat himself on the back. I must say that it would have taken guts to cast an actor most noted for playing a repressed homosexual cowboy as one of the most meanest mutherfuckers ever to appear in the history if comic book novels, and yet he did, and the result is for all of us to see,and worship, and mourn.
Will there be a third installment in the series? It depends on Nolan. Although the movie's ending most likely promises a sequel, if Nolan does not feel it's right, then it's fine, 'cos he believes in quality over quantity, but if he does plan to come out with part 3 ,then it's interesting to see whom he would cast as a villain who suits the Gotham that he has so expertly created. I honestly doubt that the Catwoman, Riddler, or the Penguin will be cast. Let's see how it goes...I'm sure many of us will be waiting with baited breath for what will transpire in the days to come.
In other news, India has done well in the Olympics, coming off with 3 medals with one of them being a first time Gold. Hopefully, this should give the entire sporting community in India a much needed facelift, as everybody cares about only cricket here. This might give other people the courage to follow the sport of their choice, and yet have the conviction that it might reap them rewards, just as it did for Abhinav Bindra.
In other news, there isn't any!! That is if you can exclude ward work, the casualty duties, more ward work, and then more admissions, and more case conferences, and more......well...you know how it ends!(It doesn't really, not in NIMHANS!)
More later.
Good night, and Good luck.
I have seen The Dark Knight, and I feel that the movie was amazing, awesome, hu-aah, and all other superlatives that I can't think of at the moment. It looks, in theory to be a one man show, with the late Mr.Ledger blowing us all away with a performance that should earn him a posthumous Oscar award, not nomination, for playing an iconic villain in a way that nobody ever thought he could, or would do. But it was a team effort. From the Nolan brothers to Wally Pfeister's cinematography to Hans Zimmer and James Newton-Howard's epic score to just as intense performances by Christian Bale, Aaron Eckhart, and Gary Oldman.The latter two deserve special mention for playing their roles to absolute perfection. I was a bit touch and go when I heard that Eckhart was slated to play Harvey Dent, and I am damn glad that he has proven me wrong one hundred percent. Oldman is also amazing as Jim Gordon, and he is pivotal in making the last scene of the movie so unbelievably intense, at the culmination of which you sayto yourself :"Whoa,Phew,I can't think of anything to say!!"
I have seen it thrice and am planning to go again a fourth time. Because although the script has it's flaws, this is one movie that somehow manages to blend in 2 genres to near perfection. And for that itself, Nolan should pat himself on the back. I must say that it would have taken guts to cast an actor most noted for playing a repressed homosexual cowboy as one of the most meanest mutherfuckers ever to appear in the history if comic book novels, and yet he did, and the result is for all of us to see,and worship, and mourn.
Will there be a third installment in the series? It depends on Nolan. Although the movie's ending most likely promises a sequel, if Nolan does not feel it's right, then it's fine, 'cos he believes in quality over quantity, but if he does plan to come out with part 3 ,then it's interesting to see whom he would cast as a villain who suits the Gotham that he has so expertly created. I honestly doubt that the Catwoman, Riddler, or the Penguin will be cast. Let's see how it goes...I'm sure many of us will be waiting with baited breath for what will transpire in the days to come.
In other news, India has done well in the Olympics, coming off with 3 medals with one of them being a first time Gold. Hopefully, this should give the entire sporting community in India a much needed facelift, as everybody cares about only cricket here. This might give other people the courage to follow the sport of their choice, and yet have the conviction that it might reap them rewards, just as it did for Abhinav Bindra.
In other news, there isn't any!! That is if you can exclude ward work, the casualty duties, more ward work, and then more admissions, and more case conferences, and more......well...you know how it ends!(It doesn't really, not in NIMHANS!)
More later.
Good night, and Good luck.
Monday, July 28, 2008
What is the answer?
The world has become a much darker place to live in. Although it was obvious from the start that terrorism is out there,and is rampant, it's always with a knowledge that we weren't there when it happened;we hear it in the news,listen to it, and then carry on with our lives.
What happened here in Bangalore was a wake-up call. In fact,it happened very close to the place where I am working,and the news got out that there have been 7 low intensity blasts scattered across the city,in key traffic areas too. And it was then that I realised that it can harm me too,something that had never occured to me before.
The next day,I had gone to the Forum to book tickets for a movie,and as I was calling my friends and asking them whether I should book tickets for them as well,they told me to stay away from the Forum as there was a bomb that had been disabled there this morning. While I later learnt that it was not,in fact, in the Forum that the bomb was disabled but within a short distance from there,at the time I heard it I was wondering just how crazy things have become.
How do we deal with this? The next day there were blasts in Ahmedabad that killed around 40 people. There is no answer. Carry on with our lives?Is that what we can tell the families of those people who were killed? It's all to easy to say that we should fight back,that we should retaliate. What are the consequences? It'll give the people who plotted the attack exactly what they want: an all out war,where thousands more will die. Just don't give a damn?
If you know the answer,let me know.
I have just returned from a late night show,and all the while I was at the mall and a few times I was watching the movie I was thinking to myself :What will happen if the bomb goes out now? How will it be if I see the bomb exploding right in front of me? I hope that the day will come when our children,more likely our grandchildren will live in a world where the only thing worrying people is how much they are making a difference to the lives of others,and not about caring for their safety as they are being threatened by the plague that is continuing to hound us presently.
Please do not misunderstand this entry to be an ultra right wing call to arms or an anti-religious attack. It's merely my thoughts as they had occured the past 2 days,thats's all.
Take care.
What happened here in Bangalore was a wake-up call. In fact,it happened very close to the place where I am working,and the news got out that there have been 7 low intensity blasts scattered across the city,in key traffic areas too. And it was then that I realised that it can harm me too,something that had never occured to me before.
The next day,I had gone to the Forum to book tickets for a movie,and as I was calling my friends and asking them whether I should book tickets for them as well,they told me to stay away from the Forum as there was a bomb that had been disabled there this morning. While I later learnt that it was not,in fact, in the Forum that the bomb was disabled but within a short distance from there,at the time I heard it I was wondering just how crazy things have become.
How do we deal with this? The next day there were blasts in Ahmedabad that killed around 40 people. There is no answer. Carry on with our lives?Is that what we can tell the families of those people who were killed? It's all to easy to say that we should fight back,that we should retaliate. What are the consequences? It'll give the people who plotted the attack exactly what they want: an all out war,where thousands more will die. Just don't give a damn?
If you know the answer,let me know.
I have just returned from a late night show,and all the while I was at the mall and a few times I was watching the movie I was thinking to myself :What will happen if the bomb goes out now? How will it be if I see the bomb exploding right in front of me? I hope that the day will come when our children,more likely our grandchildren will live in a world where the only thing worrying people is how much they are making a difference to the lives of others,and not about caring for their safety as they are being threatened by the plague that is continuing to hound us presently.
Please do not misunderstand this entry to be an ultra right wing call to arms or an anti-religious attack. It's merely my thoughts as they had occured the past 2 days,thats's all.
Take care.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
.....and the meaning of life.
What are we here for,ultimately? Earning shitloads of money?To further the family name? To finally prove to somebody that we are more than what they thought we were? What is the primary aim of our existence here on earth?
There have been volumes printed on this subject..and I do not purport to be an authority on this subject. But here I would like to present my viewpoint. Feel free to roll your eyes and doze off as you please.
I feel the ultimate purpose is to feel free inside. Not in a way that destroys our bodies and our souls like how most drugs do, but in the kind of manner that makes us liberated when we know that we have come to terms with who we are and have accepted it, instead of forever fighting with these issues with no end to the battle in sight.
I do not mean this in a way that we accept all the negative energies we have within us and say "Well,this is who I am,and that's that," but to change,with genuine intent,what we see within us as not productive to the bigger picture as to how we see ourselves,and not how others see us.
This is easier said than done, and the number of people who achieve it in their lifetimes is miniscule. In fact, it is the hardest thing that we will have to face in our journey here.
If you know how to do it,do let me know.
The choice for freedom,regardless of circumstance is there everywhere. Those who are interested in this subject can read "Man's search for meaning" by Viktor Frankl,a Jewish Psychiatrist who was imprisoned by the Nazis during World War 2. How he came to terms with his situation-he had lost his wife, and his brother and other immediate members of his family-and used it to his advantage-is masterfully depicted. He says that,ultimately, not matter whatever the shit it is that is going on around you, there is the core of you that can choose how you respond to it.
I can only hope that we do not need such dramatic and stressful life events to make us aware of it. We can realise it right now,as I type this and as you read it,that it is ultimately within us. We can always make excuses for not being able to do it, but in the end it will catch up with us.
Heavy Duty!!
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Hi,
It has been 2 months since the last entry and the reason for said delay is the fact that I have started my residency in NIMHANS,Bangalore, and it's a Baptism by Fire kind of situation. From spending the past 2 years in virtual hibernation in front of a book to 12 hour days in a tertiary referral centre was a bit jarring. Although welcoming work,it didn't take immediately....the hectic hours, the endless number of patients in the OPD, to weekly duties and so on.
One thing I have realised is that the mental aspect of suffering is way way overlooked. It is all too easy to concentrate on the physical,organic aspects of health,but in truth the daily issues we wrestle with occur in our minds. I am,of course, not referring to the overtly psychotic schizpohrenia kind of picture, but we do encounter mental strain more often than we do the physical kind.
The number of psychotic cases,defined by the ICD(International Classification of Diseases) as that having delusional or hallucinatory behaviour with disturbances in Psychomotor Activity,is truly astounding. The Neuroses and the Anxiety cases are a minority,something which I did not anticipate,thinking that they far outweigh the Psychotic/Schizophrenia spectrum. But in truth it is the other way around.
The agony a patient with mental illness goes through can only be imagined. My professor told me that the film "A Beautiful Mind" starring Russell Crowe is a kind of marker to understand what a patient goes through..in the movie,the protagonist does not know what is real and what isn't! Imagine being in a situation like that,where you believe things to be true but it is in fact the other way around.
Ok,ok enough of the hi funda gyaan.
I do not know why people have praised Iron Man so much. I did not find anything so spetacular with it to begin with, although it is better than The Fantastic Four series, but not better than the X Men,well at least not yet.It will depend on the further sequels to decide. But Robert Downey nailed the part of Tony Stark,who later on becomes Iron Man. Nobody could be better suited for the role,man.
Only a little more than a month left for The Dark Knight!! It is gonna rock. Seriously can not wait.
I haven't had much time to discuss the circumstances that lead to my getting an MD,when the 5 of you who have read my previous entries will recall that I was chosen for the Diploma in Psychiatry but not the MD. That,I hope will be covered in the next one.
Take Care.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
2 contrasting letters.
Letter 1:
Hi!!
Today is one of the happiest days of my life!! The Supreme Court has okayed the OBC reservation! Which means that people like me can get into IIM,the place of my dreams and what my family would love for me to get into,at only half the struggle that those poor unreserved candidates have to slog night and day for!
Although I am not so poor-we have an independent house and 2 cars-and have had a good education-and I am not so dumb either,ah but who cares!! Now my getting into IIM is so much easier. Although the Supreme Court has said that the "creamy layer-" by that I guess they mean me,are to be excluded,we can bribe a clerk in the Government Office to get us a certificate saying that we are underprevileged,and life will be a cakewalk after that! Even if that fails,and the clerk tends to be a bit stubborn,we'll pay him cash and give him a bottle of the finest Scotch and the latest mobile phone as gifts. Hell,a little bit of money for a lifetime of comfort. It isn't such a bad bargain right?
I feel sorry for my friends who belong to the unreserved category,but I'm sure this is payback for the centuries we've suffered as a people. Many of my friends are not as well off as I am,and they're also writing the CAT exams-without reservation,mind you-I don't know what their chances are. I guess I stand a better chance than them,although many of them are more hard working than me. But in the end.it's all about me,and I'm happy for this.
Sometimes I wonder whether I'll go through my whole life being branded now that this quota will be implemented. But so what? My family and future generations will be in comfort,and it's a fair trade for a few uncomfortable moments now and then.
I am so pleased with the Government that my vote will surely go to them-and the elections are coming up soon!! I really thank them for finally giving us a voice with which we can speak-the voice of a quality education in a premier institute that is otherwise nearly impossible to get into if I would written it without the quota in my pocket. Thanks so much!!
Letter 2:
I can't believe that they're going through with it. I thought that truth and fairness would always prevail,but now I realise how naive I truly was! I come from a middle class family,and I got into Engineering College on my own merit and a free seat,at that. And until now I was working really hard to get into IIM,but now that this quota has been implemented,I honestly don't know what my chances are. Because I know for a fact that I am hard working,but now an OBC candidate who works half as hard as me will be selected! And he will be picked up by all the multi nationals! I also know that I am not as brilliant as most of the people who get through the cut throat competition. But then an OBC candidate will get the same mark as me-which means he would not have been selected otherwise-and get into IIM-A! Is this fairness? Is this Justice?
How can I look at my good friend-who is now one of the previleged lot-and not be envious of him? Won't it affect our friendship? Won't it create a rift between people like me and people like him? How can I control my anger when he gets into any esteemed institute of his choice and I don't,when we've both worked exactly the same?
I guess the only option for me is to go abroad now,if I don't get into IIM. What other option do I have? I don't want my children to suffer the same way I have. They deserve a better life than this,for sure.
I thought the days of casteism had come to an end. Now with this quota,it's come back with a bang,bigger than ever.Thanks for listening. You may know of me but do pray for me and people like me,it's the only thing that will work for "us," as opposed to "them."
Hi!!
Today is one of the happiest days of my life!! The Supreme Court has okayed the OBC reservation! Which means that people like me can get into IIM,the place of my dreams and what my family would love for me to get into,at only half the struggle that those poor unreserved candidates have to slog night and day for!
Although I am not so poor-we have an independent house and 2 cars-and have had a good education-and I am not so dumb either,ah but who cares!! Now my getting into IIM is so much easier. Although the Supreme Court has said that the "creamy layer-" by that I guess they mean me,are to be excluded,we can bribe a clerk in the Government Office to get us a certificate saying that we are underprevileged,and life will be a cakewalk after that! Even if that fails,and the clerk tends to be a bit stubborn,we'll pay him cash and give him a bottle of the finest Scotch and the latest mobile phone as gifts. Hell,a little bit of money for a lifetime of comfort. It isn't such a bad bargain right?
I feel sorry for my friends who belong to the unreserved category,but I'm sure this is payback for the centuries we've suffered as a people. Many of my friends are not as well off as I am,and they're also writing the CAT exams-without reservation,mind you-I don't know what their chances are. I guess I stand a better chance than them,although many of them are more hard working than me. But in the end.it's all about me,and I'm happy for this.
Sometimes I wonder whether I'll go through my whole life being branded now that this quota will be implemented. But so what? My family and future generations will be in comfort,and it's a fair trade for a few uncomfortable moments now and then.
I am so pleased with the Government that my vote will surely go to them-and the elections are coming up soon!! I really thank them for finally giving us a voice with which we can speak-the voice of a quality education in a premier institute that is otherwise nearly impossible to get into if I would written it without the quota in my pocket. Thanks so much!!
Letter 2:
I can't believe that they're going through with it. I thought that truth and fairness would always prevail,but now I realise how naive I truly was! I come from a middle class family,and I got into Engineering College on my own merit and a free seat,at that. And until now I was working really hard to get into IIM,but now that this quota has been implemented,I honestly don't know what my chances are. Because I know for a fact that I am hard working,but now an OBC candidate who works half as hard as me will be selected! And he will be picked up by all the multi nationals! I also know that I am not as brilliant as most of the people who get through the cut throat competition. But then an OBC candidate will get the same mark as me-which means he would not have been selected otherwise-and get into IIM-A! Is this fairness? Is this Justice?
How can I look at my good friend-who is now one of the previleged lot-and not be envious of him? Won't it affect our friendship? Won't it create a rift between people like me and people like him? How can I control my anger when he gets into any esteemed institute of his choice and I don't,when we've both worked exactly the same?
I guess the only option for me is to go abroad now,if I don't get into IIM. What other option do I have? I don't want my children to suffer the same way I have. They deserve a better life than this,for sure.
I thought the days of casteism had come to an end. Now with this quota,it's come back with a bang,bigger than ever.Thanks for listening. You may know of me but do pray for me and people like me,it's the only thing that will work for "us," as opposed to "them."
Friday, April 4, 2008
Why Psychiatry?
Those of you who have read my blog previously must be knowing that I'm going to be doing a 2 year residency in Psychiatry. And it has been something that I've been adamant on doing for a long time. People have often asked me why it was that I was so keen on doing a residency in only this field.
I don't know the answer to that one yet. Not fully anyways. I believe that people have as many mental problems as organic ones. I believe that it is important to improve the quality of people's lives,and not only the duration of it. I believe that mental health is a science that is still in it's infancy,where there is a lot of as yet untapped potential to flourish.
When compared to about 50 years back when Schizophrenics were tied to their beds and made to stay there until they were deemed cured. Sometimes a cure was never possible. Now,it is possible to be cured of the condition on an OPD Basis,without even Hospitalization. Even if a cure is possible 33% of the time,remarkable progress has still been made. Same with Depression,and with Bi-Polar Mood Disorder. But there is still a stigma attached to this field,especially in rural areas,even to this day,when epileptics are thought to be possessed by a spirit when in the midst of a seizure.
The problem of addiction is something that will also need attention. Especially with the times as they are now. According to Dr.Ali Khwaja,noted Psychologist and Career Counsellor,Bangalore has the highest number of Cocaine addicts in the whole country! This is in addition to Alcohol and other substance abuse issues.
This is one area of medical practice that is a bit of an orphan as far as the medical fraternity is concerned. I guess that old adage which has been used for a long time and given in Erich Segal's medical romance 'Doctors' says it all:
A Physician knows everything and does nothing,
A Surgeon knows nothing and does everything,
A Psychiatrist knows nothing and does nothing.
So,there are challenges in this field. The most important of them is to remove all the misconceptions that are related to Psychiatry,and to make the services more accesible to the public. Not in terms of actual availability of Psychiatrists,but to reduce the inhibitions they might have to meet one.
It's an uphill task. No doubting that one. Let's hope change occurs; rapidly and effectively.
I don't know the answer to that one yet. Not fully anyways. I believe that people have as many mental problems as organic ones. I believe that it is important to improve the quality of people's lives,and not only the duration of it. I believe that mental health is a science that is still in it's infancy,where there is a lot of as yet untapped potential to flourish.
When compared to about 50 years back when Schizophrenics were tied to their beds and made to stay there until they were deemed cured. Sometimes a cure was never possible. Now,it is possible to be cured of the condition on an OPD Basis,without even Hospitalization. Even if a cure is possible 33% of the time,remarkable progress has still been made. Same with Depression,and with Bi-Polar Mood Disorder. But there is still a stigma attached to this field,especially in rural areas,even to this day,when epileptics are thought to be possessed by a spirit when in the midst of a seizure.
The problem of addiction is something that will also need attention. Especially with the times as they are now. According to Dr.Ali Khwaja,noted Psychologist and Career Counsellor,Bangalore has the highest number of Cocaine addicts in the whole country! This is in addition to Alcohol and other substance abuse issues.
This is one area of medical practice that is a bit of an orphan as far as the medical fraternity is concerned. I guess that old adage which has been used for a long time and given in Erich Segal's medical romance 'Doctors' says it all:
A Physician knows everything and does nothing,
A Surgeon knows nothing and does everything,
A Psychiatrist knows nothing and does nothing.
So,there are challenges in this field. The most important of them is to remove all the misconceptions that are related to Psychiatry,and to make the services more accesible to the public. Not in terms of actual availability of Psychiatrists,but to reduce the inhibitions they might have to meet one.
It's an uphill task. No doubting that one. Let's hope change occurs; rapidly and effectively.
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